the picture is of a card I made for the new challenge blog Die Cut Dreams Challenge....thought I maybe should actually update this a bit!
The past few weeks have been some what of a battle for me, both emotionally & physically. Last night was the first time I managed to go to Salsa in 4 weeks. I was only there for about an hour & a half but I really enjoyed myself. I am suffering today though, tired (sleepy) & tired (drained), not to mention the raging ache I have coming from my neck from holding my arms up!
It started with a kiss.........no it didn't!! It started with a sore throat that lasted nearly a week, then pure exhaustion where I've hardly been able to get up & about, to loosing the plot completely!
Last week I woke up feeling ok, not great but ok. I fed the buns, let the dog out & watched Grey's Anatomy. Then I thought I'd tidy up a bit as I was a bit miffed with the mess.
One minute I'm hoovering & the next I'm beating everything around me up with the hoover, throwing it across the room & then collapsing on the sofa it a fit of tears & sobs.
I rang Andi & told him "I need you to com home" Which he did briefly to calm me down & give me a cuddle. God knows what was going on with me. I think I scared myself more than anything because it was like an outer body experience.
I feel low again today, but not miserable just tired low & can't seem to find the energy or inclination to do anything even though I want to. My inspiration is out the window & things I could be doing I just can't seem to be bothered, well I can in my head but my body doesn't want to catch up!
I'm also feeling bloated & other things which doesn't help. I think I will seriously have to think about doing another detox & re starting my diet & try introducing different things to see what is is I am eating that is upsetting my belly. (other than the couple naughties I've had because of me being ill, not being able to get to the shops & having no money, so not actually my fault!)
I am however kinda glad I did a couple of naughty eatings as it has reinforced the fact that the diet is working for my belly & a few other symptoms, just not the main ME symptoms.
I am not entirely convinced that it will ever catch the ME but I feel a lot better even with the few symptoms it helps, so its worth it.
Physically my body just seems to be totally drained & I actually have found it hard this week to get about. I have found myself using everything around me to grab hold of, to either steady myself from the mind crunching head pains I get when I stand or to drag myself about. (not very good when you need the loo I can tell you!)
Emotionally I'm all over the place. One minute I am feeling quite good, the next I'm crying for no reason. I can't watch anything on tv without crying, no matter how silly it is!
I have also been struggling with the whole not being able to have a baby thing again. I know my time will come....or do I? This is it. Sometimes I am convinced that one day I will just be pleasantly surprised & that now is not the ideal time to get pregnant.
While other times I'm not sure if it will ever happen, now or in the future. Its alright me doing all this & saying its my body, but it takes two to tango & one of us is doing Salsa & the other is doing the cha cha!!!
Not that we don't try to tango!!!!!
I've found it hard recently because so many people I know or have got to know have either found out they are pregnant, due soon or have just had a baby. I've also had the sad news about 3 people I know that have miscarried. Its awful because I feel so sad for them, but at the same time I have this horrid person in the back of my head saying "well at least you can get pregnant"
I have so many mixed feelings about it all, it rips me up some days. I get so jealous, angry, upset & depressed I don't know where to begin.
A friend who has just miscarried asked for people to say something to her other than sorry!
I'm then asking people to say something other than "Your time will come" or "Its just not your time", "Just be patient"
When (insert angry words here) is "our" time? How patient do I need to be?
Nearly 5 years is very (insert angry words here too) patient!!!!
Ok I have got that all of my chest now I feel much better. It's hard not being able to talk to people about it, because of the whole heard it all before & "you'll have your time" stuff.
I know there are people, lovely friends in fact who will listen I just...I don't really know what I just I can't seem to get the words out. Writing/typing is definitely my release.
Andi has joked for a while now about having a black book to put my thoughts in when I'm mad at him, because I would never tell him when something was on my mind I would randomly write him letters letting out everything I was feeling. Took me a while but I can talk to him now about things & our new thing is he asks "how are you?" & I reply "Truth or lie?"
Don't ever ask how I am because I lie on a regular basis!!!
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3 comments:
Poor poor you, Helen! I think you're suffering from a horrible case of frustration!!! Frustration about the CFS, frustration about not getting pregnant and frustration about not being understood. I completely understand what you're going through. Frustration and anger is a HUGE part of CFS and it makes you really emotional and is totally draining and, of course, makes your CFS worse. It's such a frustrating vicious circle. I found that "offloading" is a great way to get rid of unwanted anger and frustration. By that I mean doing stuff like this blog, getting your feelings out. Have you tried screaming? I know it sounds wierd but just being alone and screaming as loud as you can can release alot of emotion. Don't lie about how you feel because again you're suppressing your feelings and adding to your frustration. Be honest, if you feel crap, say it. It will help in the long run. Suppressing my feelings and anger about things was a big part of my CFS and when I read your blog, it reminds me so much of me so I hope this helps. Release those feelings in as many ways as you can and don't feel bad for doing it. Hope you have a better day today xxx
Dear Helen, i really, really do feel for you. i think it takes great courage for you to write this down and put it into some sort of context and actually face what you are feeling. It is not easy to verbalise or explain in any shape or form but you do it wonderfully well. Whenever i read your blog (actually its the only blog i actually do read !- i just look at the pretty pictures on the others!) i just feel OMG she's actually managed to describe the complete messy mix up of feelings you get with ME. This is me. this is how i feel. and it helps me not to feel so ashamed, because i don't feel like a whole person. its not a life, its some weird kind of existence. I can only say a huge thank you to you for this blog. I hope it is helping you as much as you'd hoped it would. It has certainly helped me. Try to be strong and keep creating something, anything because i do feel it lifts me if a have something tangible to show for my time and you are so creative it is a good tool for you to use to combat your negative feelings. Thinking of you, Melx
Helen,
I totally understand your frustration about the pregnancy issues. I have dreamed of being a mom since I was 2. After 5 years of Infertitlity treatments we had finally been told our only chance was through IVF. It actually worked only to lose our child after 17 weeks due to a change in the plan of care by the doctor. After the loss I started crashing and almost died. The doctors let me go on for 10 weeks of complications before doing a D&C and now I am being tested to see if we can even try again due to damage being done during the complications or if my dreams of being a mom have been taken away. Don't get me wrong I am not against adoption, but it is more expensive than IVF and we just don't have that knind of money laying around. So I completely understand your sadness, frustration, and everything else. I will b praying for you that your dreams of a family come true. Hope you feel better. If you ever want to vent to someone who understand just email me. Christi kritter24@comcst.net
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